CES 2017: The Top Five Gadgets Which Will Briefly Fill The Emptiness In Your Life
CES 2017 is over for another year, and that means there’s only one thing left to do — rank our top gadgets so that we don’t have to deal with the constant gnawing fear of existential dread! Wow! Let’s get right into it:
1. Kuri the Robot Nanny
It’s only natural to worry about our children and our pets when we have to leave the house — but thanks to the new Kuri Robot Nanny, we no longer need to worry. The Kuri boasts wi-fi, bluetooth, full mobility, a 1080p camera, and the most adorable, kid-friendly face you’ve ever seen! Your kids will absolutely fall in love with the Kuri, because over the years you’ve trained them to accept gifts and money as a substitute for any actual affection or interest on your part.
It’s a win for everyone! They’ll love the constant surveillance wrapped up in a cute bundle, while you get to put the whole thing out of your mind, content in the knowledge that you tried. After all, you spent so much money! That’s the same thing, isn’t it? Maybe they need new iPads.
2. Honda’s Self Balancing, Self-Parking Motorcycle
How annoying is it to have to carefully walk your motorbike into place, kick out the kickstand, and make sure everything is safe and stable before you leave to head to your 11:00 meeting? Wouldn’t it be great if the bike handled all of that for you? Meet Honda’s new prototype, saving you precious time so that you can get your latte and get right into work before you start thinking about what it is your firm even does on a daily basis. Does anybody even understand mergers and acquisitions? You push some money here, you push some money there, you shut down one manufacturing plant so you can float the whole operation for 15% better profit when the assets are finished liquidating.
Your smile feels a little hollower with every $400 business lunch, your eyes a little colder on the days when you can stand to meet them in the mirror. Where does the money come from? Where does it go? Why did you spend an hour in your office yesterday, staring at your monogrammed pen as you turned it over and over in your hands?
3. Sensorwake Oria
We all know how good it feels to wake to the smell of fresh, roasting coffee, right? The SensorWake Oria can be programmed to release this and other scents at a specific time each morning, jolting your brain into action with the smell of that life-giving liquid. The only aroma the SensorWake Oria can’t produce is her perfume — the faint smell of strawberries she always used to leave on your pillow after you stole a night together.
But you knew what you were doing when you broke it off, telling her you wanted to focus on your career instead. This is what you wanted, right? This is why you lie awake all night, alone in your vast, cold and empty bed, staring at the ceiling, wondering if she still has the ring you gave her that night on the rooftop in the city? It’s too late to reach out now, and nobody will ever understand you the way she understood you. Christ, you really fucked this one up.
4. LG Smart InstaView fridge
A fridge that has a built in touchscreen is already awesome — but what if the touchscreen turned transparent so you could look inside without even needing to open it? This kind of technology is going to revolutionise the way we live, and you used your entire redundancy payout on it because you’re one of the millions of truck drivers who lost their job when the transport industry turned to self-driving trucks and you were no longer employable.
All of your skills and experience are meaningless; truck drivers will never be needed again and nobody out there cares about you, too entranced by the benefits of increasing automation to see the damage it’s causing to lower-class labourers like you. Still, you don’t have to open the fridge when you want to look inside it, and that’s nice. It’s empty, anyway.
5. PowerVision PowerRay Underwater Fishing Drone
There’s nothing worse than finally getting a day off from the daily grind and heading out to the open water on your yacht, only to discover that the fish just aren’t biting! Well that won’t be a problem any longer, thanks to the PowerRay underwater drone — this baby can submerge up to 30 metres below the surface, and using an incredible sonar system, detect fish up to 40 metres below that.
Hook that drone camera into your VR headset and you’ll be able to experience the worldwide coral bleaching phenomenon first hand, easily spotting the shimmering blue fish against the lifeless coral whose endless white expanse is a constant reminder that your lifestyle and the industries you support are contributing to the death of the planet’s ecosystem because you’re too scared to take responsibility for your choices. Hey, is that a red throat emperor? Nice!
Wow! Which gadget will you be spending your money on? Let us know in the comments below!
Did you like this article? All of our equally good jokes from 2016 are now on Kickstarter in magazine form! Think of how attractive and powerful you would be with such an artefact in your possession! (Very)