E3 2018: Our Biggest Predictions From The Major Publishers

It looks like it’s going to be another great year for E3 reveals! We’ve been compiling all of the leaks and all of the rumours, and we’re quite confident that this is what’s going to happen. Let’s check back next week and see how we did!

Electronic Arts

  • Anthem will finally be revealed, with a new gameplay trailer where a giant robot hunts a fleeing loot box through a beautiful post-apocalyptic jungle. The presentation will go extremely well, up until it becomes clear the person speaking has run out of ways to avoid using the word ‘Destiny’ on stage, at which point they will fake their own death.
  • To save time this year, all the EA Sports franchises will be amalgamated together. EA will proudly announce the new installment of Basketfootsoccerhockeyball 19, which will allow them to “focus resources more effectively.” All of the players from the four various franchises will also be revealed to have been amalgamated into a terrifying army of flesh golems. Andrew Wilson will not take questions.
  • Fifteen indie developers will be dropped onto stage from a net suspended in the ceiling. One of them will be chosen to have their cute little game published by Electronic Arts, while the others will be herded into the back of a van. The winner will be given five minutes to make a slightly confused speech about how their creative vision really aligns with that of EA, which Andrew Wilson will judge out of 10.
  • It’s time to learn more about Battlefield 5. The narrative single-player campaign will get a fancy new trailer, starring the female soldier from the released cover art. A leaked scene will show the soldier grimly carving the female symbol into all of her bullets, before the words ‘WAR IS WOKE’ blast over the top of the screen. EA will reveal that it would be a terrible shame if you upset GamerGate supporters by pre-ordering two copies each.
  • Right at the end of the conference, EA will show the Star Wars logo briefly, followed by the words “Battle Royale”. The audience will begin screaming. One man will lunge at another man and bite off his ear. Police will turn water cannons on the crowd. Andrew Wilson will not take questions.

Ubisoft

  • Aisha Tyler will open the presentation by revealing the first ever gameplay footage from Assassin’s Creed: Odyssey. She will pause and rewind all of the cutscenes which feature attractive young Greek men kissing each other, insisting that the audience watch them over and over again “just to be sure”. The presentation will last for 27 hours.
  • We should get our first look at The Division 2. Two staff members from Ubisoft Massive will introduce the game, and then stand quietly to the side while a team of trained performers take over and pretend to be playing it live. The pre-prepared banter between the demo crew will be so cringeworthy that one of the Massive developers will have a stroke and need to be hospitalised.
  • The announcement of a Rainbow Six Siege esports league will be met by a confused and baffled silence. Aisha Tyler will get out a whiteboard and write the word ‘esports’ on it, underlining it several times and even circling it for good measure. One person in the audience will loudly say “Which FarCry is this?” just loud enough for the microphone to pick it up. Things will get really awkward after that.
  • Ubisoft will very excitedly announce some fucking weird as hell creative and touching game that they have no business publishing. “Loving that,” Aisha will say, after the trailer. “Wow! Emotions! Colours! That’s what I’m talking about.”
  • A rebooted Splinter Cell will be revealed, with a brief trailer that looks a lot like Uncharted but with guard vision cones. Michael Ironside will accidentally walk onto the stage through a side exit, wave hesitantly at the crowd, and then drive away. It will not be related to the game.

Bethesda

  • Fallout 76 will be revealed in its full glory, and that’s right folks: it’s a battle royale game but there are only 76 people in each map, rather than 100. A restless crowd will begin angrily demanding that Bethesda do something more to make the game stand out, but will be soothed by Todd Howard who will promise them that it comes with $5 in store credit to use on community created hats.
  • We should also hear from Avalanche studios about Rage 2. To celebrate the reveal of the game, Avalanche Studios founder Christofer Sundberg has promised to “drink a whole can of fluorescent pink paint on stage”. Bethesda’s Pete Hines, who was actually just calling Sundberg to ask if he was free for drinks, has given his cautious approval to the unsolicited offer.
  • To celebrate the launch of new DLC for Prey, former game director and Arkane Studios founder Raphael Colantonio will be brought out of retirement, where he will be given a pistol and instructed to pick out three members of the audience who he believes are mimics.

Microsoft

  • Microsoft will exclusively unveil Red Dead Redemption 2, which will be exclusive to the Xbox One for an amount of time, unless Sony does.
  • Phil Spencer will unveil the next stage of the Microsoft “Play Anywhere” system, tentatively titled “Play Everywhere“. Players will be unable to stop playing for any reason, compelled beyond even death by nanites in the bloodstream.
  • You want first party games? We got ’em. Forza Horizon 4 is a guaranteed announcement, with Microsoft likely to promise “even more of the boxes that make you go zoom”. “Stripe one, blue one and shiny one,” a confused Phil Spencer will gurgle helplessly.
  • Microsoft are also expected to expand their plans for PC/Xbox cross platform play, announcing a new feature for Windows 10 that turns any PC game into a Battle Royale game by flooding it with 99 more random Xbox One players.

Sony

  • Sony will exclusively unveil Red Dead Redemption 2, a new title exclusive to the PlayStation 4 for an amount of time, unless Microsoft does.
  • Call of Duty: Black Ops 4 will make an appearance, along with Destiny 2. Some bigwig at Activision who you have never heard of but could buy and sell you like cattle will tell you that engagement metrics are off the chart, and offer you their business card. Christ. Look at the subtle off-white colouring. The tasteful thickness of it.
  • The Last Of Us Part 2 and Days Gone will get new trailers, although nobody will be able to tell which one is which until the logos appear. Somebody is going to be disappointed.
  • The word ‘Bloodborne‘ will appear on the screen. The crowd will whip themselves into a frenzy and begin tearing each other apart in an effort to get to the stage. Panicking, the Sony showrunner will skip to the next slide, revealing that it’s a VR remake. It’s too late. The crowd crashes against the barrier like a human tidal wave, flattening Sony’s chief of staff and picking the flesh from his bones before gnawing through the wall and escaping into the ocean.
  • Hideo Kojima will hurl black goo at the audience, shouting “This is Death Stranding! This is the game! We are playing it now!” Nobody will stop him for a full hour. Eventually he will wear himself out and go to sleep under a chair.

What do you think we’ll see? Let’s all tune in and find out!

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