Wow, For Real: Ten Games That Of Course A Dullard Like You Would Have Missed In 2019
2019’s over, and what a year it was for games. There were new classics in every genre, from FPS, to indie games, and of course our favourite genre, miscellaneous. Here’s our definitive round-up of the year’s best games, the ones that we put so much time into that our partners abandoned us, the goodbye notes they left for us–the ones that hinted at the possibility of reconciliation if we could just put the controller down for a moment and connect with them on the basic human level they deserve–still unopened.
Unfortunately for us, we are forced to share this list with you, who–we are reliably informed–wouldn’t know shit about this kind of world class entertainment. If you can tear your eyes away from your bellybutton for just a moment, you too will be able to experience the best that 2019 had to offer. Do try and pay attention.
Vrrroooooommmm, Rrrrrrgghhhnn, Beep Beep, Coming Through
No game better captured the carfeel of actually being behind the wheel of a car vehicle this year than VRBBCT, the ultimate sim for cars and the people who both like and understand them. Whether you were pushing hard on the acceleration pedals to go fast, turning the wheel left, up, and right to turn around the normal roads, or beeping your horn to say hello to other motorists, it was very clear that VRBBCT was designed by people who don’t suffer from a crippling fear of cars. It featured every type of car there is, including a red car and a blue car, and even an innovative “gear” system that changed how you went “vroom” (or “broom” in the UK). Who would have thought that a game could so perfectly capture the exquisite pleasures of being a motorist, which is definitely a descriptive term that also applies to me?
Unbelievably Detailed Chainsaw Evisceration Simulator
I’m certain even a cave-dwelling mouth-breather like you will have smiled in a perfectly normal and non-impressionable way as the teeth of your chainsaw tear open the innards of your enemies? Right? Surely even way down in Dickheadville, where you apparently live, you would have picked up a copy of 2019’s most harmless bit of escapist fun and enjoyed all sixteen different game modes ranging from “1v1 Chainsaw Duels” to “Disembowelment Royale”? No? I guess I’m the only one here who knows how to appreciate art which has no impact on me.
Salad Simulator 2025
The Salad Simulator series has never been afraid to go to some interesting places (Salad Simulator 14 infamously allowed you to add sundried tomatoes to a Caesar), but never has the series been as ambitious as 2025, which whips you and your tongs into the near future to create salads for the Haargafuut, an intergalactic race of superhumans that has enslaved humankind and is forcing them to craft the perfect pasta salad. Honestly, we’re worried–the Salad Simulator series has eerily predicted every major disaster of the last 40 years, and 2025 features, very specifically, a scene in which the two of us are torn asunder and our innards are mixed into a Cobb that is then served to the alien king and queen, who quake with booming laughter and recite, word for word, this very description we have written here. Despite that, it’s hard to argue against including a game that lets you assemble seven different styles of salad.
What If I Owned Sixteen Dogs?
A heart-warming exploration of a concept that many of us grapple with every day, What If I Owned Sixteen Dogs? examines the question that haunts many of us: what if I owned sixteen dogs? Accessible to all ages, even people like you who wouldn’t know a good game if it ran over your letterbox in a car, What If I Owned Sixteen Dogs? was so well received that I immediately went out and purchased sixteen dogs. Do you know anyone who might want sixteen dogs? Of course you don’t. Unbelievable.
Untitled Foreign Military Shooting Project
There’s an important question at the heart of Untitled Foreign Military Shooting Project–is it okay to kill another person, a man you do not know, one who only carries hate in their heart at the behest of a vile regime, someone who does not look like you but bleeds the same blood, if killing him and others like him will unlock a dancing emote that makes your player character do the Dougie? Killing 250 foreigners in this game–including some children–will unlock a hilarious animation that lets you do the Dougie, and we here at Point & Clickbait couldn’t help but get up and do the moves alongside our blood-drenched, weeping avatar.
Piss Henry Rides To Fuck Mountain
A late entry in the frankly underrated Piss Henry series, this year’s installment – tragically only released as a text file in my draft tweets folder – opens with the titular hero slogging his way up the iconically famed Fuck Mountain. Where does he go from there? Why is he making his way up this murderous ziggurat? These are all things you would know if you weren’t so tragically incompetent that this masterpiece somehow passed you by. Unbelievable stuff but no more than we’ve come to expect from someone like you.
Super Mario Home Ownership
After exploring two separate galaxies, going on an odyssey, and partying hard, Mario embarks on his most fantastical journey yet–stable home ownership. Every coin you’ve collected, every personal reference you’re established, every indulgence he’s ever gone without in previous games has all lead to this game’s heartbreaking midpoint twist where the bank forecloses on Mario’s home as the financial crisis hits. Living out the rest of the game in Mario’s go-kart after Luigi turfs him off his couch and the Peach tells him it would be “unbecoming” to allow a homeless man into the castle is a heartbreaking reminder that Mario’s real enemy, all along, was capitalism. As Mario himself puts it: “mama miiiiaaaaaaaa”.
Glance Askance Evolution
If it’s not too much to ask, could you even pretend to have heard of this one? Could you nod along while I talk to you about the greatest export out of, I presume, Japan, since I visited Tokyo for 3 hours on a stopover and then left again? My review of Glance Askance Evolution called the game a “terrifying journey through the dark corners of the soul,” a “bittersweet platformer cum small convenience goods store simulator hybrid,” and “adequate”. Here is a transcript of my 3 hour long video on the game, which, by the way, would it kill you to read? Fuck you.
The Extraordinary Emotional Journey Of Professor Hardknuckle Shooterman
No game released this year better showed that games ARE AND ALWAYS WILL BE ART than TEEJOPHS, a game that finally proved, once and for all, that shooters can have feelings too. The touching story of Professor Shooterman (Hardknuckle to his friends), a man who says “I’m sad now” at the end of every level, touched our hearts and gave us massive graphics-boners every time he made one of the Peruvian nationalist baddies explode into a mass of chunks. When Hardknuckle pointed at a picture of a dog and said “I used to have one of these,” we cried–before cheering as he pissed down the neck hole of the evil French prime minister while screaming “FOR AMERICA!”
Ever heard of this one, shitheel? This epic video game that we played, about games and the ending of them made a huge impact worldwide, and made nearly $3 billion, so of course even you must be aware of it? No? You don’t know anything about the adventures of Captain Steve “Ant-Man” Rogers? Or the talking tree, Brocket? Wow? That’s pathetic, even by your standards. I’ve definitely played Avengers: Endgame on PS4 at least three times this year and I’m already downloading the DLC (of which there is a lot, because it is an enormous game, which I played).
What were your favourite games of 2019? Oh, that’s cute.