Incredible! Every Person On This Overwatch Team Is The Only Person Trying To Win
Scientists are rushing to the ruins of Eichenwalde, Germany today after a local Overwatch team broke the fundamental laws of physics by somehow all being the only person on their team who was actually trying to win.
Despite all six players constantly and visibly taking part in the gameplay, attacking the point, scoring valuable kills and supporting each other, unsolicited feedback arriving in match chat revealed that as the final seconds of the game elapsed and the point remained uncapped, only one person had been genuinely trying – and it was all of them.
“Oh, so we push the point when it’s in overtime but not any other time?” asked Jonathan ‘dumparse’ Dennis, who had participated in no less than 12 concerted pushes alongside the rest of the team on the point over the course of the match.
“fuck u,” responded teammate Troy ‘slurps’ Lawrence, who personally received more than 7,000 points of healing from Dennis. “U r shit healer. Never healed me even once.” Lawrence, who held an impressive fifteen-player kill streak with Torbjorn at the match’s end, was particularly critical of teammate Wendell ‘snickers’ Hyde, whose total 765 hours of playtime serve as a firm rebuff to the notion that he had ‘never fuckin seen a payload b4’.
Hyde was, incredibly, also the only player making even the most cursory of attempts to play the game properly – having scored an impressive four player rip-tire kill with Junkrat – and the only one who was not ‘shitting the bed so fuckin hard its drippin through the floorboards underneath’.
The defending team was gracious in their victory, watching on in puzzlement as their opponents all revealed the complex quantum formula which had allowed all six people to be the only good player on a team full of “turbocucks”.
Lead Overwatch scientist Eloise Carpenter is at a loss to explain the phenomenon. Speaking to Point & Clickbait, the experienced physicist said that “it could be something as simple as a server error, or it could be something as complex as quantum entanglement, where the very laws of time and space are coming undone..”
“Or, and this is a long shot, but by my calculations they could just be huge dickheads,” she added. “We could be puzzling over this one for a long time to come.”