Pros and Cons Of The New Switch Model Powered By Human Blood

The latest model of Nintendo Switch is finally here, and as always people are desperately baying to lay down their preorders, crushing themselves up against the still-shuttered EB Games at 6am until the insides of those trapped against the storefront burst out through their eyeholes like toothpaste squeezed from a near-exhausted tube.

Here at Point & Clickbait we’ve been lucky enough to go hands-on with the Switch Nosferatu, and it’s definitely an interesting new take on Nintendo’s beloved system. It’s got a better battery life, a sharper screen, and numerous quality of life improvements, but as with most Nintendo hardware revisions there’s a catch – this one requires ever-increasing sacrifices of your own blood to continue operations. We’ve run the Switch Nosferatu through its paces: here are the pros and cons of entering into a blood pact with it.

PRO: An attractive price-point

The bloodthirsty new Switch compensates for your lost blood with a lower cost. At launch, this model will retail at AU$449 – a full $20 below the RRP of the standard Switch. Just make sure you don’t spend that extra $20 on blood-thinning alcohol, or the Switch will be displeased!

CON: It drains the blood from your body

Look, yes, let’s address the elephant in the room – the Switch Nosferatu drains your blood, biting into your hands with its inbuilt needles and sucking the plasma right out of you while you’re playing Untitled Goose Game on the bus. How much blood it requires will depend on the intensity of the game, so be careful – we’ve heard of other users passing out after half an hour of Mario Kart 8.

PRO: It can dock

Unlike the Switch Lite, the Nosferatu can be put in a dock and played from your television, as long as you slice open your palm and drip a complete, unbroken circle of blood around the dock before each session. We love to play Link’s Awakening on the big screen (after we’ve applied some bandages!)

CON: It still requires charging

This one’s a head-scratcher – when we first saw the Nosferatu we assumed that the blood cost would negate the need to charge our system. But no, it still requires electricity as well, and now we’re getting blood all over our portable chargers as we plug them in with sticky, shaking fingers.

PRO: The hottest exclusives

I’ll try to keep this short, as my vision is getting blurry. The Switch Nosferatu can play any regular Switch game, plus a handful of minigames that focus on giving the system more blood. We’re particularly fond of Give It To Me, a clicker-style game that upgrades your Byzantine fortress of horrors for each quarter pint the system extracts. It can even be played idly in the background if you attach a drip directly to your collapsing wrist. Another amazing Nintendo innovation, right up there with the Pokemon pedometer!

CON: It’s a vampire

Here’s an uncomfortable truth – sometimes the Switch Nosferatu demands more than you can give it. I leave the system on my bedside table at night, and have often awoken to it tearing away strips of my flesh, bathing in my blood-soaked sheets, a glowing red light emanating from both Joy-Cons. I have given up on sleep as a result, which is perhaps not a good idea since I’m just barely alive as is at this point. This is a serious issue, and we hope that Nintendo will address it in future revisions.

PRO: A portable marvel

Look, at the end of the day, this is still the best handheld system ever created. My fast-approaching death is a small price to pay for the wonders of Super Mario Odyssey, and the spreading numbness in my left arm cannot take away from the system’s selection of indie delights. If you’ve got the blood to give, Switch Nosferatu will pay back your fealty and sacrifice in spades.

CON: It still uses friend codes

Seriously, Nintendo?

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