Conan Exiles Developers Agree To Remove Penis Size Slider If Microsoft Will Stop Screaming And Hitting Them With Broom
Sandbox survival game Conan Exiles, which famously features a slider for players to adjust their penis size, finally has a new home on Microsoft’s Xbox One after the developers at Funcom were forced to remove the feature entirely.
Sources describe the negotiations as ‘tense’, with one Microsoft’s executive reportedly shrieking and hiding under the table as soon as the penises appeared on screen.
Another Microsoft executive, keen to build on the points his colleague had made, outlined the company’s position on male nudity “in the strongest possible terms” by brandishing a broom and hitting the Funcom developers with it.
“We very quickly came around to see their point of view,” explained Conan Exiles Creative Director Joel Bylos, holding a cold compress to a black eye. “Very strong negotiating technique. Almost Conan-like in its forthrightness.”
Point & Clickbait understands that Funcom’s pre-prepared material on the subject, including a children’s book titled ‘Where Did I Come From?’, ended up being unnecessary.
“We’re proud to welcome the new, obscenity-free Conan Exiles to the Microsoft family of games which are visually and culturally masculine but biologically and sexually inert, along with our big bro-names like Gears of War and Halo,” outlined Microsoft in a later statement.
“The game has amazing open-world gameplay, true hardcore survival mechanics, and of course adjustable breast sizes for women. Fantastic stuff. Q3 2017.”